There is something about the urgency that comes at a certain point with the onset of advancing in years, more particularly its affect on my ability to give a f**k about things that, at one time, seemed so important in life. I am now attempting to keep my balance as the spin on the Wheel of the Year seems to be rapidly increasing. I turned fifty seven this year, where the hell did all that time go?! I now have significantly less life in front of me than has gone behind and this is now altering how I view some of my long held fears, inhibitions and my ability to put up with shite, not that I have ever been one to put up with much of that. This past six months I have felt a shift in me like no other, there has been a steady rise out of a fairly long and somewhat reclusive phase beset by an all pervading confusion about my purpose in the world.
This past weekend at the OBOD German Gathering has been another in a series of deeply magical experiences this year and yet another gentle kick to revive my flagging druid spirit and enthusiasm. It was time spent with more marvellously magical people. I was part of a team running workshops exploring the Culhwch and Olwen story from the Mabinogi, in particular the part about the five oldest animals and the search for the Mabon. For me this story not only echoes ancient lore about the solstice, but it also speaks about people actively seeking and fulfilling their destiny. Culhwch is a rather brash child that demands his cousin, King Arthur, help him achieve an impossible task, there then ensues a lengthy and demanding adventure chock full of ancient mysteries and hidden magics.
This latest trip to Germany included several pertinent spiritual aspects for me personally and combined with the amazing trips to Australia and the U.S a few weeks back and a beautiful full moon ritual on the beach with our grove (one of many we have had so far this year) just before travelling to Germany, means I can no longer ignore that distinct shift in my energy and I have come home with a renewed sense of commitment to both my inner and outward facing druidic journey.
At the gathering I attended a workshop on the Four Treasures of the Tuatha de Dannan were I was also given several ‘gifts’ from a meditative journey we took to the four cities and one from a laminated card I was asked to picked from the many scattered on the floor. Pick quotes that appealed to me was the instruction, so I picked this; “It is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” It made me laugh as I totally agreed, but it also got me thinking a little deeper on the whole idea of being foolish. If I don’t at least try to open my mouth and utter some of my foolish words, questions or thoughts, how will I ever engage the world and learn new ways of thinking. It is only through active listening to and engaging in kind, open dialog with things that challenge my world view that I both learn and have the chance to change hearts and minds. Also I have the chance to expand my own empathy and understanding in the process, I have not always been good at this. However as a consequence of age and experience I have found meeting any challenge with listening first and holding on the judgement until later often opens me to new ideas, solutions and new horizons to explore.
There is a phenomenal power in challenging oneself far beyond the bounds of comfort. To live in the safe havens of a comfort zone is all well and good but what does it teach me? How do I discover what I am capable of if I never push the boundaries of my emotional or physical self?
Everyday I am reminded that life is essentially a short intense ride that generally consists of ducking and diving to avoid the massive curve balls of one kind or another the universe directs at me, more often than not when I least expect them. They can send me spiralling or leave me feeling in a massive slump with no energy to push myself forward. It’s how I recover from the times when destiny seems veiled and I wander lost in the fog of my own mind, or when I am spinning out of control in a wash of emotion, or feel abandoned in the doldrums with no drive or enthusiasm, that’s what’s really important.
I have been in the doldrums for a while now with little enthusiasm for pushing myself anywhere, other than over to the allotment. I have seriously thought about the idea of withdrawing from everything to spend the rest of my life pottering around on the Lottie, never to leave the boundaries of my personal comfort zone again. And yet, in my head there are a myriad projects shouting, waving and jumping up and down trying to attract my attention. They have languished for far too long in an ivory tower, remote and untouchable, I feel their frustration gnawing at my bones. These are projects I have paid lip service to yet have consistently failed to fully invest in or even acknowledge, I certainly have not given them my full and undivided attention.
Why is that?
I can tell you truthfully it’s because I’m afraid. I have been afraid to give these projects the chance to see the light of day, to put them in front of people and say look I did this. I have been afraid to give them the love and commitment they need. Most of all I have been afraid I will fail them if I do. So there it is in a nutshell, fear of failure. It’s been a recurring theme throughout my life. I’ve been afraid to commit to myself in case I fail to be worthy of it or live up to the impossibly grand standards I set in my own head. I’ll make any excuse: I don’t have the time to focus, life is so full of stuff, etc. Aaha! Really, is that so? Yup, mhmm, definitely, honest gov far too busy to commit!
Of course I fully blame the solar system and astrology in particular! What can I do? I’m an Aries sun sign with Pisces rising and a Virgo moon. I’m fairly sure that makes me a confused, neurotic, perfectionist and conflicted introvert that wants to hide at the back and dance at the front of the line simultaneously. Essentially I have always believed that I am pretty average at everything and bound to fail at anything I try, so what’s the point of putting myself out there and going through it all? and yet, since I can remember my maxim for life has always been ‘feel the fear and do it anyway!’
Over the past few years I have felt a bit like John Cleese as Lancelot in the Holy Grail attempting to storm the castle. I think I am finally about to, metaphorically, storm my own castle and release my ideas from their ivory tower, I might even let them sing! (Honestly watch the film if you haven’t already, it’s completely ridiculous and hilarious in equal measure and this analogy makes absolutely no sense otherwise.)
I have made a promise to myself, to be honest I have made several over the years, but somehow it seems more urgent now, after all I have less and less time to play with. I will no longer let fear of failure or being average rule my creative life! Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen? People might look at what I produce and say “meh!” Oh well! at least I will have followed the dream and not have to die with ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’ as the last words on my lips.
They say that wisdom comes with age, I’m not sure about that, I think wisdom comes from meeting the challenges of life and helping others do the same. Age is a relative thing, some people may be alive for a hundred years but did they actually live? What constitutes a real life anyway? Life for me is a journey of the soul, it is more akin to a flower opening to the light of the world, allowing the busy bees into its heart to fertilise and set new seeds. There is something of a gradual liberation of the soul in the process of ageing, all the things that seemed to matter before have lessened their grip. I may have five minutes or another thirty years left to me, but one thing is for sure, life is for living to its fullest, I want to fill it with laughter, love, communicating, experimenting, challenging and growing. None of us get out of this gig alive so all we can do is show our best flower faces, soak up the sun, dance with the bees and leave the best part of ourselves as seeds for the future and hope it makes a positive difference in the world.
This weekend was another call from the deep, a call from the Cauldron of the Annwfn who will not boil the food of a coward nor one forsworn, it is not destined to do so. So let the breath of the Nine kindle the cauldron with in me and I will respond without hesitation this time. I have nothing to lose and who knows what I might gain from the challenges I will encounter.
Farewell sweet Concorde! (again watch the film or this it means nothing!)
I don’t remember “liking” your FB page nor being familiar with your work; yet this shows up for me this morning, the same age as you, and going throygh the same internal feelings. A Message from the Powers That Be, for sure. Thank you for sharing this, and sincere good wishes to you. Now off to explore your site
Hi Caroline, it seems the internet gods are hard at work. I love a ghost in the machinery with a good sense of timing. Many blessing to you 🙂
Hi Cerri, I’m even older than you and starting to be at that stage where things are beginning to deteriorate and suffering from similar anxieties that I had not done that much with my life, not particularly shone as much as maybe I could have with more application and focus. Then you think well I would have been a different person not the me I am now, and to be frank maybe I would not sit easily in my own skin. You can look back and regret a bit but I don’t think that is particularly healthy and why should you be such a harsh judge of yourself? I know that the people important to me love me, and I know the people important to you love you. I try to continue daily doing at least something that gives me pleasure but most of all appreciating the wonderful gift of life in all it’s ups and downs. Just to experience life deeply with time to think about it is more than enough, at my age the rest can sometimes be just a load of bollo*ks!
Hi Cerri,
I might have a similar astrological background as you and can recognize so much of what you’ve wrote! What helps me out is to make definite decisions. To do things or not to do them, and to spend way less time with the ‘perhaps I could…’ / ‘what if…’- thoughts. Onto the projects that has been in my mind for a long time but never came to realization I put a deadline. When I didn’t do them till a specific date they seem to be no longer important to me – and then I give away all the material I may have gathered for it in advance. As I did that for the first time that seemed to be really weird – but it gave me a lot of freedom to put my mind into something new. This spring that lead to a journey to the mountains I saw as a child, and loved them a lot. I haven’t been seeing the mountains for two decades, for at least as many excuses as you mentioned above. But after I took the final decision to do the journey, everything else was falling into place and it became an amazing experience.
May the bats bring good tidings to you.
Hi Cerri,
What a good thing to talk about since I am pretty sure most everyone has or will feel this way at some point in their lives especially us who are in mid fifties to probably seven five I’m guessing. I will be sixty five around Mabon and so being a Virgo I have always been a industrious busy compassionate person, I realized around mid life that both my husband and I are the ones who always helps those who need it and be there for them in one way or another, that is who we are and I believe our purpose. They come to us pagans because the Christian world doesn’t seem to be there for them…..hmmmm. We are still doing what we can but now find we are needing to take more care of ourselves and although still doing what we can not like we were before. At some point one needs to realize the wisdom of knowing we are as important as others and need to pamper ourselves more, hard to do but we have a desperate need for this now. Balance is the key. I also need that alone time you spoke of…..Virgo you know! On with the journey, may it be wonderful.
A. I can’t believe you are 57! I thought you were much younger than me at 53!
B. You can absolutely guarantee that anything you do in this life that is creative and then put it out into the world will receive some “Mehs.” You will also get some, “This totally sucks and I hate it,”s as well. But, and this is the most important bit, there will be some people who need to experience what you made like they need their next breath. It will inspire them to who knows what, and that will inspire more people to who knows what, and so on and so on. If you never put that work out there, those spreading ripples of inspiration, joy and hope will never happen.
C. You only have to look at the Amazon reviews for a book or movie or musician that you adore, to know that you definitely can’t please all the people… not ever, no matter how good you are. This is not your concern. Your concern is to make the things, then set them free for other people to review them however they like. If necessary, never look at the reviews. 😀
D. Don’t compare yourself to the world stage. The human scale is much much closer to home. Work to be the best artist in the village, the best musician in the village, the best gardener in the village. That is where we would have compared ourselves once upon a time. The world stage is too big a pond to swim in for everyone but the biggest sharks.
E. You can do eeeeeeet!
Hi Tina, Thank you for the vote of confidence it is most appreciated 🙂
Hugs Cerri! <3 (Not for the page just for you. )
Hi Cerri, I have a few years beyond your span and for me the seismic shift occurred on that big sixty! What happened! Where did the years go but the sixties have an advantage – concessions wherever you go – but that only serves as a reminder of the advancing years. Ageing is natural and we should welcome the freedom it brings. The only downside for me is that I live in a place which was beautifully rural and now I see daily the erosion of things I’ve held dear. Simple things like beautifully protected roadside verges, now mowed to extinction with the detritus left lying and old trees felled for constant building projects. I still hope that, with our growing green movement, more people will realise that what we of advancing years enjoyed is worth fighting for. Your posting was thought provoking Cherri. Many thanks for that.
(waves)
“I will no longer let fear of failure or being average rule my creative life! Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen? People might look at what I produce and say “meh!” Oh well! at least I will have followed the dream and not have to die with ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’ as the last words on my lips.”
(Applauseclapclapwhistleclapclap) THIS, thank you. Aside from being personally convinced that creativity as a competitive sport frequently screws up more than it promotes, I’m also keen on the opinion that “average” is not bad, it’s necessary. “Average” is a just a balanced point in a range of highs and lows. My highs are most often just a bunch of lows that teamed up and built on each other, and some of my less high stuff tells the journey’s story much more than the highs do. “Best” doesn’t always reflect “real” for me.
I hit 50 this past December, and what Tina said about reviews and pleasing people is TROOF. One size does not fit all. And I got to a point several years ago when I had heard so many people try to pass seriously dodgy ignorance, narrowmindedness, pettiness, bias, and ego wanking off as thoughtful critique I just couldn’t be arsed to listen twice ;0)